Relationship Questions and Answers
Nice Guy or Troubled Guy?

Nice Guy or Troubled Guy?


Question

I met this guy on a plane 2 years ago and we saw each other a few times. He's the sweetest guy, the kind of guy you introduce to your family. Now there's my boyfriend: Although I liked the nice guy, I hooked up with my current boyfriend and he's pretty much the troubled guy. We've been together for 15 months though. Last week I wanted to break up with him for the nice guy but he started crying and telling me how much he loved me. I've never seen him like that and I never thought it was love coming from him, just physical attraction.

Answer

Thank you for sharing your situation. You get to decide what you need in a relationship and what kind of person you want to be with. It’s often helpful to look at the overall behavior pattern of the person. If they’ve behaved in a positive way, it’s likely they’ll continue to do so. If they’ve had some difficulties, it could easily keep going in that direction.

An important thing to remember is that one action doesn’t change a series of previous actions or a pattern of behavior. The only way you can tell if someone really means what they say is to watch what they do over time.

Remember that you deserve to be with someone who treats you kindly and behaves positively all the time.

Relationships and the Party Life

Relationships and the Party Life


Question

I have a question on environment. We all have been told to surround ourselves with good people and I’m finding out now that sometimes it’s simply not an option. I feel that I’m not in the right environment to have a serious relationship. Most of my friends are college students and life seems to follow the sex, drugs, and rock and roll design. My question is how can you break away from the party life to find something of worth? I used to like that life and now want to find someone who will still be around after a year or two. How can I be a better person when it seems like everyone around me getting into things I want to get out of? You can’t drop everyone in life because they don’t see or feel the same as you so, what can I do?

Answer

Thank you for sharing your situation. It can be challenging to figure out how to move in a different direction in life but you can ask yourself some questions to clarify what kind of relationship you want and what you can do to make it happen such as:

  • What kind of people do I want in my life?
  • What are the characteristics that are important to me in a significant other?
  • How do I want to be treated and what kind of person would do that for me?
  • What kind of person am I and where do my behaviors lead me?
  • What kind of relationship do I want?
  • What environment would I need to be in to attract the kind of people I want to meet?
  • What is one thing I could do today to create the type of relationship I really want?

Moving your life in a different direction requires shifting your behavior so that you get different results. For example: If you behave like a party person you tend to attract people like that so the trick is to behave in other ways that lead in the direction you want to go. The great thing in life is that you get to choose what you do and how you behave. It takes time and effort to change the behavior patterns you’ve become accustomed to but, if you keep practicing, you’ll eventually become the person you want to be.

Remember that you deserve to live a life that helps you feel great about yourself and leads in a positive direction. You’re worth it.

He Started Acting Differently

He Started Acting Differently

Question

My boyfriend and I broke up. We had been dating for a year, but I felt like these last months he was starting to act differently towards me. He started to not give me much attention, he preferred to play video games rather than go out with me and acted as if he was thinking, "I already got her, no need to keep trying to maintain the relationship." So I decided to break up with him so he would value me more. He is starting to pursue me again, but hasn't really gone out of his comfort zone much yet. Should I remain firm?

Answer

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s always a good idea to ask people to treat you the way you want to be treated. Lots of people find themselves in difficult relationship situations because they don’t stand up for themselves or trust their instincts.

The best measure of what someone thinks about you is how they behave toward you. It’s entirely appropriate to ask your boyfriend to treat you the way you want to be treated. The only way you’ll know for sure if he really cares about you and respects you is if he acts that way, not once, but over a long period of time.

Once you’re satisfied that he’s behaving in a positive way, you can decide what to do next. Don’t forget to do things on your own that help you feel great about yourself as well. You’re a valuable person and you deserve to be with someone who treats you wonderfully.

My Girlfriend Won’t Let Me Talk to My Friends

My Girlfriend Won’t Let Me Talk to My Friends

Question

My girlfriend won’t let me talk to or see my friends. We are going on 2 yrs, but some of my friends I’ve had for 10+ years. Yes, I’ve introduced/had her join in when out with my friends before but she became convinced they are taking me away from her and hate her, when they have not threatened her in any way (okay, one did and we aren’t friends anymore). How can I get her to trust me and them? She has low self-esteem, insecurities, always does what she wants, and always has need to get her way or else thinks I look down on her.

I am trying my best in my relationship (I have made my own mistakes of course). I’m not perfect and getting some advice may help me be a better person to the one I care most about.

My girlfriend relies on others to give her self-worth; she’s jealous, wants to be popular, perfect, and loved by everyone. It makes me feel incompetent, like I’m not enough or doing what she needs. I’ll feel this when she argues with me when I’m trying to reassure her.

Answer

Thank you for sharing your situation. One of the most important ideas in any relationship is that you’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings. It’s a difficult concept because many of us feel that we somehow have to make someone else happy or lessen their pain.

It happens a lot in relationships where someone is insecure and the other person is trying to help them feel better about themselves. The difficulty is that you can’t make anyone else feel differently than they do, they have to do it. It takes a lot of hard work, sometimes months or years talking to a therapist, for people to change their behaviors. Only they can do it through looking at themselves and doing the work necessary.

That leaves you in a position where you get to decide what you want to do. You can assume that she will continue to behave this way in the future unless she chooses to work on her own issues. You get to determine how you want to behave. You might find it helpful to take some time to think about how you want to be treated in a relationship, what your needs are and what kind of person would be most likely to make you happy.

The idea is to do things that bring you positive results, such as surrounding yourself with people who don’t need you to prop them up. You deserve to have people in your life who are strong and healthy and inspire you to be the best person you can be. You’re worth it.

Controller in a Relationship

Controller in a Relationship

Question

I’m female. A lot of people tell me that I manipulate people in terms of a relationship. I just wanted to know what YOUR definition of a controller would be, since I apparently don’t understand that. Thank you.

Answer

Thank you for sharing your situation. A controller in a relationship is often a person who does things because they feel they have to be in control. This includes behaviors like:

  • Telling people what to do.
  • Always deciding what’s going to happen next.
  • Disapproving of people who don’t do things the “right” way.
  • Feeling out of control inside.
  • Difficulty doing things the way other people do them.
  • Difficulty negotiating or compromising.
  • Feeling of anxiety when people aren’t following your guidelines.

The important thing to remember is that people who try to control others do it because they feel out of control inside. If you recognize yourself as doing these things it’s not bad, it’s just that it can create a lot of additional stress and challenges in your life. You might consider giving yourself the gift of talking with a therapist so you can figure out what’s causing the behavior and what you can do to take care of yourself.

The trap of trying to control things is that, the more you try to control everything, the less in control you are. Remember that you deserve to enjoy relationships where you can be the wonderful person you are without having to control anyone but yourself. You’re that important.